Into the Wild

I wish I could switch my brain off.

I try to limit what I'm thinking about, to stay focused on individual threads of thought, but it rarely works. My mind jumps randomly and frequently from thought to thought. I often find myself having to backtrack, attempting to trace a path back to the original thought. It's not uncommon that I will have multiple projects going simultaneously.

I think I've gotten worse at this the more "connected" I've become via technology, the more disjointed and fragmented my thinking and focus are. I'm constantly checking email, facebook, twitter, work email, chat, IM, internets. I have so many followers and followees that I can't focus on any one thing in particular for too long before I'm jumping into something else.

Recently, I went offsite to lunch at a nearby fast food chain. I deliberately left behind my iPad, my Kindle, and even my hardcover book. I ordered my food and chose a seat in the very corner. For about forty minutes I ate lunch without checking my email or phone interwebs. I looked around at my fellow diners. I thought.

It was a small step, but it was a step nonetheless.

Several years ago I wanted to take a solo camping trip to get away and just think. I never took that camping trip. Now, as I write this, I think again about that trip. I don't want to disappear into the wilderness like Chris McCandliss. I just want to go far enough away that I can no longer hear the din of modern society. No phones. No internet. No traffic. No computers. Just me and the solitude. A pen. Some notebooks. Thoughts.

I have trouble reconciling this desire with my fear of being alone. I don't like being by myself for more than even a couple hours. I get anxious when my wife and children are gone even for an overnight trip. I am a highly social person and I crave the attention and interaction of others.

Maybe my solo trip should be a guy trip. Still without all of the entrapments of a connected society.

Just not alone.